Dating sucks and men suck and I don’t think that too many other women my age would disagree with me on that. I changed my Bumble profile today to say that we should be friends until we figure out what it is we’re both looking for. Because, let’s be honest, 99.9% of men on dating sites are not interested in this thing called a relationship. I think maybe we are living in an age where people don’t think relationships have capital so why invest? It’s the best I can deduce. Which is unfortunate because going deep with people is a beautiful, humbling, life changing thing. As one who’s had the same roommate for 12 years, this much I know.
In other news the 49ers Colin Kaepernick is a total courageous badass and, as much as I would like to try to understand the other side, I can’t even entertain that kind of ignorance. He is using his position and power and leveraging America’s sports obsession to say (yet again) that we continue to kill and oppress black and brown people and (yet again) there continues to be not a damn thing done about it. Because, apparently catching it on video is not enough and hearing story after story after story of the same shit happening everyday around the country is not enough. Colin, I salute you and kneel with you in spirit.
I continue to think about these recent tragedies. Continue to turn them ‘round in my head. Continue to think of them from one million miles away and one centimeter away. From all perspectives it’s loss. From all perspectives it is utterly sad and utterly senseless.
I think of past conversations on race I’ve had with my closest and how (mostly) terribly bad they went. How I was too much for them. How they were too much for me. How this particular topic seemed to be where every ounce of grace and understanding and love halted. And that, I think, is where I feel the most despair. I always think this is the black death that will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. This is the one where scales fall from the blind’s eyes. This is when our unified white grieving finally begins. I want to believe that’s true this time around. But it wasn’t true all the other times. So it seems like people will just keep dying senseless deaths.
People are stupid. They tell you what to do and how to do it and that you should write if that’s what you want to do and not think so much about it. That you should write for yourself and not for other people. That you should just post your dumb first draft full of mistakes and incoherent thoughts and nonsense and then post your second and your third and your fourth and….
Like I said, people are stupid. That is all.