Wherever you go…

Today I was lucky enough to get the day off from both of my jobs.  Lord, did I need it.  This is my first full week of classes and my summer o’ leisure made me forget how much energy school requires.  I was walking to Bikram Yoga today while thinking/praying/pondering and I just started crying out of nowhere.  I looked up and happened to be walking by this:

No, not Bergen Bagels (though it’s delicious).  The 2,3 Bergen subway stop.  It’s a memorable one for me because about 4 years ago I worked at a boys shelter (aka detention center for criminal offenders) nearby, hated every minute of it, and basically had a complete emotional breakdown sitting on the curb outside of this stop.  Seriously…sobbing, shaking and trying to talk to my parents on the phone.  It was not a pretty site, nor my proudest moment, but it was real nonetheless.

All that to say, I found it ironic that I ended up at the same spot for today’s tear-fest.  However, this time around I opted for the walk-by rather than the pedestrians-flashing-weird-looks-at-you curbside sob.  My, how I’ve matured.  Yeah, so about the cry.  I don’t even know.  I think I just feel so frustrated sometimes because I want to be all of these things and be perfect at them and achieve an insane amount of  balance in my life.  I want to be a great social worker and an honors student and a good friend and a healthy eater and a good athlete and have a cute apartment and….I just can’t do it.  But I want to.  I want to control everything.  But I can’t.  It’s not humanely possible.  And that makes me frustrated.  And a little insane feeling sometimes.  And kinda critical of others because of my own perfectionism.  And so I gotta walk to Bergen and get my cry on for second.  And sweat it out in yoga.  And figure out how to let it all go.  And how to have big dreams and realistic expectations.

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8 thoughts on “Wherever you go…

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  1. Ahh, I see some Petersen traits that I have experienced all too often. It’s hard not to control everything and not to be perfect at everything…. I’ve come a long way in this, you are and will continue to do so…

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    1. Celeste, so happy you wrote! And it’s kind of relieving to know it runs in the family (on a side note, I have been compared to you many times over). Thanks for your vote of confidence…I may need to get some more tricks of the trade from you along the way :)

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  2. Just stummbled across your blog…from Dana’s facebook. Seems young and old have something in common this week….sobbing out of the blue and what exactly is it I’m going to do with the rest of my life?

    Well, the sobbing has to do with putting Ariel down this past Monday. The “what next?” has to do with having completed outstanding projects and no new ones on the horizon….and now I don’t even have a dog to tend to.

    Love you, sweet girl……have a good school year! I like the quote below your blog title, I have a feeling part of your life mission is sharing of yourself, which you seem to be doing quite successfully now.

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    1. Ahh…thanks so much Aunt Bev. I love that the Petersen family is representing well in this comments section.

      I’m so sorry to hear about Ariel and am sad right along with you. I have no doubt you’ll find some new projects to undertake, along with being such an encouragement to me and a host of other people.

      Hang in there, and thanks soooo much for your thoughts. Love you!

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  3. A friend of mine posted a FB status that read “Kicking ass need both feet”. I said that she could give it a tweak and make it something more personally motivational, and as a heads up for the world at large.

    “Kicking ass. Using both feet.”

    Something to re-arm yourself with once you’ve gotten that cry out of the way.

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  4. How did i just find out that you have a blog?? And I totally relate to this post! Well, maybe not the Bergen 2 3 stop… it may have been a full out cry-fest pondering all those same existential questions, while sitting in the McDonalds underneath Rockefeller Center. Eating lunch. By myself.

    Love and miss you, Jenn. Keep writing!

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    1. Well girlie, it’s cuz I just made it open to the public, if you will. Thanks for writing..and relating! The mental picture of you in the aforementioned McDonald’s scenario makes me laugh and make a sad face all in one….but mostly laugh. Mainly because I envisioned how you would be telling it to me in person, and you typically crack me up. Even with sad stories.

      Love and miss you too! Remember how I still haven’t listened to your radio show?!! Grrr….it’s right in the middle of my classes. How can we make this happen?

      Keep the comments coming!

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  5. Jennifer, you are super-duper! The fact that you’re setting goals and working towards them is awesome in itself. By the way–how did you manage to get two jobs in NYC?? I can’t even get one! (Or, at least, I haven’t been able to find one that’s full-time and pays above $12 an hour!!) When you are stressed, consider your often-bored friend Linda who is stressed because she has the opposite problem of yours: I don’t have enough to do! :-)

    We should get together and commiserate sometime soon!

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