Today I was lucky enough to get the day off from both of my jobs. Lord, did I need it. This is my first full week of classes and my summer o’ leisure made me forget how much energy school requires. I was walking to Bikram Yoga today while thinking/praying/pondering and I just started crying out of nowhere. I looked up and happened to be walking by this:
No, not Bergen Bagels (though it’s delicious). The 2,3 Bergen subway stop. It’s a memorable one for me because about 4 years ago I worked at a boys shelter (aka detention center for criminal offenders) nearby, hated every minute of it, and basically had a complete emotional breakdown sitting on the curb outside of this stop. Seriously…sobbing, shaking and trying to talk to my parents on the phone. It was not a pretty site, nor my proudest moment, but it was real nonetheless.
All that to say, I found it ironic that I ended up at the same spot for today’s tear-fest. However, this time around I opted for the walk-by rather than the pedestrians-flashing-weird-looks-at-you curbside sob. My, how I’ve matured. Yeah, so about the cry. I don’t even know. I think I just feel so frustrated sometimes because I want to be all of these things and be perfect at them and achieve an insane amount of balance in my life. I want to be a great social worker and an honors student and a good friend and a healthy eater and a good athlete and have a cute apartment and….I just can’t do it. But I want to. I want to control everything. But I can’t. It’s not humanely possible. And that makes me frustrated. And a little insane feeling sometimes. And kinda critical of others because of my own perfectionism. And so I gotta walk to Bergen and get my cry on for second. And sweat it out in yoga. And figure out how to let it all go. And how to have big dreams and realistic expectations.